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Psychology Center

Internet Jealousy

My husband has engaged in maintaining correspondence with some ladies in the Internet and it is only a month since we´ve got married! I´m really upset.

Anna, St.Petersburg

This situation can be hardly given an unambiguous explanation. It mostly depends on the feelings described by you using the words “really upset”. Does this mean that you lack your husband´s attention? Then, would you feel the same if your husband spent long hours playing computer games instead of talking with ladies in the Internet? Or do you rather feel jealous of him and regard his virtual companions as your actual rivals?

Let us look at the first variant which seems to me more innocent although not so simple. Unfortunately, sooner or later almost all couples face the problem of the lack of mutual interest and attention. All advances and romances of the first months one day will be left behind, all wedding arrangements pass away and even the honeymoon cannot last forever. Life is getting more measured and homely. Everyone will feel bored one day. This situation was familiar even to our mothers and grandmothers, although then it used to be a newspaper of TV instead of computer for a husband to hide behind.

We demand attention and feel insulted when we don´t get it, but it is rather hard to realize that attention is something unavailing to demand. It should be attracted or deserved or even won but not demanded. Moreover, it is impossible to win it once and for all. You should work upon it every moment of every day. The trivial round and dull sameness in family life are serious enemies to fight with. Even professionally recommended sexual novelties can not make a formula of family happiness, since sex cannot replace all other daily activities. At the same time, we constantly need warmth and attention from the side of the beloved one.

The first thing that the partners should do is to find separate spheres of activity, circles of contact and areas of interest; otherwise their feelings are doomed to decline, which becomes only a question of time. When the partners get emotions and experiences from the same source they hardly have anything new to talk about. “Talking” does not suppose explaining each other all peculiarities of your professional activity. You should talk about your feelings and emotions that are interesting for your partner no matter what your professional activity is.

Moreover, you should change yourself everyday if you want to hold your husband´s attention. It is not only dress or haircut that should be changed but rather something in general. It is new words that you say, new actions and emotions you show. Of course, this is a task for both of the partners but, anyway, there must be someone who takes the first step. If you stop waiting in vain and proceed to action, for sure, your husband will gratefully do the same.

Well, what´s then if it is jealousy that bothers you, not the lack of attention? Are you really afraid that his virtual acquaintances can make you a competition?

I suppose you are too serious about it and your fears might be essentially exaggerated. There are a lot of people who consider dating in the web not more than a game. They register on dating sites under assumed names and upload there false photos, ascribing themselves imaginary merits and understanding quite well that their virtual friends may be doing the same. Relationships like that never become something serious. These people do not really exist in reality since they are a sort of fiction. Being jealous of them is something similar to being jealous of characters of your husband´s favorite books or movies.

If the situation with your husband is something like that, I can quite understand his behavior. He sees no fault in his communication with those virtual ladies, so he considers it unnecessary to hide it from you. Probably, it has even never come upon his mind that his behavior causes you so much to worry and to be jealous about. If this is true you should just discuss it with him trying not to be too emotional about it. Then I think your problem will be solved easily.

But what if he is using the web as a way to find a real woman not a virtual companion to talk with? Please, try to see things in a more realistic light. In that case, I strongly suppose, he would not do it in your presence. Of course, there would be such a possibility if he regarded that your relationships are nearly over and he wanted to find somebody to take your place. But I think it is not the question. If you were really about to break away then your husband´s virtual acquaintances were not the only problem of yours.

But, after all, I strongly believe that your situation is not so bad. Could you imagine that he is just suffering the same lack of attention? Maybe, you are too busy with your work and all this home stuff? Or maybe, you´ve decided that a husband, unlike a fiance, will stay with you anyway? What about him feeling as lonely and sad as you? Maybe, he is ashamed of telling you that? Don´t you forget that he is a man and supposes himself to be strong, steady and active? A man has no right to be weak and sentimental. Could you imagine that he just does not know what to do and tries to check your feelings at least making you jealous? What if he just needs you to show any emotion that will prove that you still love him? I think you should try to understand him and take the first step. Don´t be afraid of showing your weakness! It is not the weak one who takes the first step in conflict but the wisest one.

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