The Game of a Victim
I’m holding a letter ten pages long. I wonder what the issue of it is, either the need for somebody to talk with or a true desire to change
something about the author’s life. Here is only a short passage of it:
I was studying at school in the third grade. Once, heading home from school, I entered a dark passage. There was a stranger. He approached me and kissed me on my cheek. I was badly frightened and cried and at the same moment he ran away…
Natasha never saw him again but she has remembered this meeting for fifteen years. In the following nine pages of the letter there are numerous complaints about her complicated relations with friends and especially the boys, about her unability to find the job and misunderstanding of her parents. In Natasha’s opinion the man who kissed her many years ago is the reason for all these troubles.
Psychologists have numerously brought up the issue of sexual violence. They admit that even a rather harmless action like that described in Natasha’s letter that was accomplished against the person’s will can cause serious stress. However, if not accompanied by irreversible physical injuries, this stress will pass off in due time.
Thus, the main psychological help rendered to the victims of sexual violence is focused on releasing the first most painful moments. Later on, natural defence mechanisms are developed and the person is healed by the course of time itself. However, a similar situation can launch the so-called “victim’ complex”, which makes the person remember about the occasion for all his or her life. Such a person blames this accident for all his or her failures or prefers find the reasons for it in the people around him. “The victim” easily manipulates their compassion to get the support he or she does not deserve. Such a victim is assisted by the whole army of the people who feel sorrow for him or her, which actually serves the bad turn for the person concerned. Instead of presenting a situation as an annoying accident, they are distressed and only intensify the tragedy confirming “the victim’s complex”.
Fortunately, sexual violence is not the norm of present days; although “the victim’s complex” can be generated in other ways. A lot of women live with such a label being unable to get on with a husband who once used to love them. There are employees who are soon dismissed because of their stupidity and inability to deal with people. There are deceived investors who believed that it was possible to receive money doing nothing. Their troubles are different, but all these people have much in common. All of them are inclined to accuse others always having some excuses for themselves. They expect that someone will solve their problems and easily change their behavior according to the situation. They are not going to change, since they consider themselves to be all right, while all problems arise from cruelty and injustice of the world. They have a typical voice, facial gesture and conduct. Their image projects “Help!”, which although should be regarded as “Give!”.
What help do you expect, Natasha? Do you want somebody to share your anger at the person who “spoiled” your life or have an assistance in justifying you for the fact that you were alone for so long? But, I suppose, you have already met some furious enemies of “sexual terrorism”. They were indignant at the person who did such a terrible thing with you, but that has changed nothing. Or, maybe, you want to be pitied and consoled one more time? Do you want to be told that nothing horrible has happened, that you are not killed and not crippled? But you have already heard that, haven’t you? Perhaps, you expect that somebody will try to convince you that you were very much liked by the boy who kissed you and you hope to discuss it again whether it was the strongest stress or the brightest and the most exciting erotic experience in your life? Or, maybe, everything is much simpler and your associates have already got bothered listening to your complaints acting like friends for you. Maybe, they have already tried and failed again to fix you up with a job and now you hope to find a new audience to listen to you? Natasha, until you stop feeling sorry for yourself and accusing others, until you dare to admit that the reasons for your problems are not your old fears but rather your present attitude to people, nobody can help you.
Think over the sense of the word “help”. Help means assistance. It is difficult to assist someone who is doing nothing except seeking for your pity, thus, helping such a person still means to do nothing. It is your pity that inspires suchlike people to bother thier friends and relatives with tragic life-stories instead of trying to find themselves any worthy occupation. They really believe that people who by no means can be called disabled are obliged to help them. The well-played role of a victim accomplishes three tasks at once. One is a feeling of duty, responsibility and guilt for another person’s problems introduced to the listener. Another is giving our aggression some way out, pointing it at the ghostly offender and providing us with an opportunity to admire our own righteousness. A rescuer is a noble part that makes us feel strong and right, fair and noble. For the sake of such a feeling we are ready to give money and spend much effort and time.
Natasha, do you find it satisfactory to get some consideration paid only out of pity and patience? Is it possible that as such you do not deserve love, admiration and respect? I do not believe that you are willing to be the one who only has to beg for them. Take a close look at the people who are considered to be happy and successful. They also had some failures, pains, fears and disappointments in their life. Have you ever thought of it? Or, maybe, you just do not care for the others? But if you think only about your own problems what can you expect from others? Stop complaining and show interest in other people. People will consider you interesting only when they see mutual consideration. Only then you will have beside you those who do not just feel sorry for you, but actually are going to help you.
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