Big Conflicts from Small Problems
Conflicts are inevitable in any family and even not only in family. They appear much more often than we expect. In fact, conflicts are not only scandals, rows and fights, but also a contradiction of desires and as long as all of us are unlike each other there is hardly a hope that our ideas and feelings will always agree with those of our partner. The main thing about it is not to turn a blind eye to the present disagreements, but to learn how to solve them and find the ways out of the questionable situations at a minimum loss.
No claims! Just tell about your wishes and desires
Many conflicts begin with a question: “Why the hell do you (fool, pig, lazy bones, foul-up, etc.) act in this way?” Tell me true, do you really want to know “why” asking such a question? Will you be really satisfied getting intelligible and logical explanation why the person snubs out cigarettes in coffee cups and puts dirty socks in the case with bed-clothes, forgets about your child’s birthday and the anniversary of your acquaintance, ignores your new haircut and does not caress you in bed? Do you really believe the conflict will be settled then? Certainly, not! In fact, you don’t need explanations, you need the results.
If the claims are given in the form of sarcastic questions or in some aggressive way, people try to prove their innocence and to protect themselves or even begin to attack. Thus, you spend much time being on the edge and the problem still remains unsolved. If you really want to change something in the behaviour of your partner tell him or her frankly about it. But do not tell him or her what you don’t like. You should rather explain what you want. For sure, there is no guarantee that your partner will agree with you and will change radically, but, at least, both of you will avoid another stressful situation.
Attack is not the best protection
Now you see that quarreling and shouting at your partner are extremely thankless job. But your partner probably does not know that yet. How to respond to his or her reproaches? The main thing about it is to avoid being involved in the discussion about who is worse. You can endlessly argue about what sin is heavier – dirty floors or smoking sockets, unavailability to make love at the first request or unwillingness to pay proper attention. But I doubt the fact that this will help you to introduce more coziness in your house and more love and harmony in your relations. If the claims of your partner are fair, take them into consideration, and if not, explain the actual state of affairs and… be ready to listen to new claims. It is necessary to protect yourself from unreasonable claims. But it is not necessary to protect yourself by saying “you are a fool”. For certain, not everything in your partner’s behavior suits you, but it will be better if you postpone asserting your “counterclaims” until your partner is not so angry.
Never say “never”
World wars result from local conflicts, while serious family quarrels that cause a divorce quite often rise from trivial disagreements. Sometimes, the main reason for such a quarrel at the first gaze seems rather harmless; this are the words “always”, “never” and “at all”. Even if you are not pleased with your partner’s behavior in some situation you should try to refrain from generalizations. There is no use in accusing your husband in total lack of taste if you don’t like the tie he put on for your mum’s birthday party. You’d better just ask him to put on another one. As well, do not stick a label of an alcoholic on him if once he has come home drunk. Probably, this situation is not unique and similar things have already taken place. But, before making general claims, try to recall whether these things really happen daily and hourly. Generalization of the conflict will not settle your problems, but your relations can go bad “in general” and “forever”.
Don’t involve your relatives and friends in your quarrels
“You are the same simpleton as your father, who worked as a worker up to retirement! He has never given a single flower to your mother! If she has never wanted to be a woman and gladly accepted a new saucepan as a gift for her birthday, that doesn’t mean that such a life attracts me! And your son is clumsy just like you and he as well ignores everything except his computer! And your friend is a real bore – no wonder his wife showed him the door!” Unfortunately, suchlike “arguments” are usual phenomenona in quarrels. Certainly, when you quarrel it is difficult to think logically and to maintain a consistent argumentation, but nevertheless you should try to avoid involving your friends, relatives and other close people in your conflicts. They bear no relation to the subject of your disagreements.
Blows below the belt
Self-appraisal of a man is much more closely connected with the value of his sexual qualities than self-appraisal of a woman. If you are not satisfied with your intimate relations, it is absolutely necessary to talk about it and to find an acceptable and compromising solution. But never touch upon the sexual sides of the issue in the dispute that has some other reasons. Such “arguments” all at once make the man unwilling to discuss the problem and call him for protection of his male dignity, as long as the conflict situation remains unsolved. Moreover, such “arguments” can aggravate your intimate relations. The man remembers such “blows below the belt” for a long time and after them you can hardly expect of him any caress and attention. Probably, he will grow cold towards you or might try to rehabilitate with the help of another woman.
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